North County - breakfast time - near about after sunrise, 7:00 a.m. thereabouts and the line of souls already gathering near the food truck along the coast highway, North County - a compact apparatus seemingly affixed to the hillside, yet always ready to deliver ample quantities of carbs and protein. I come here to watch this spontaneous communal gathering made up of affable, unpretentious residents - so similar in their minimalist, nondescript beach attire - some eternally at ease for being able to afford these surroundings and others hanging on by just a thread unbeknownst to themselves... many older folk are here, near or past retirement age, gray-haired ones like myself, hobbled and hungry, and a good number of young locals to keep things balanced, surfers, bikers, working drones, milling-about types ... Eduardo Chang, a foodie-influencer w/ a soft spot for noodles and Mexican cuisin , Frank the Freak, misunderstood historical researcher and part-time conspiracy theorist specializing in unsolved mysteries involving Hollwood and members of secretive esoteric occult societies, Galen, our e-bike expert and local tour guide, Michaela a yoga instructor, Carla, a reluctant realtor trying to find a new career path, Sylvia, the former Olympic swimmer from '84 and her faithful entourage... To those who know me such as Eduardo, I am simply "Gray Dawg" - the sun-hatted dude with the reliable, non-judgmental, all-accepting, but still "tired face" - a look I have strenuously cultivated to cover over and replace that earlier manifestation of a tired countenance of grim and wretched determination which drove to and from work (everyday) never quite knowing how to best encounter faces of a similar aura of impatience yet with greater confidence and elan. (Sidebar: Eduardo will no doubt be asking - mere minutes from now - about which breakfast burrito I will be sampling and what rating I give it on a scale of 1-10 and I have already decided 8.75 before even trying the egg-potato-mango with extra guacamole and picked onion. He himself will be posting on the tall stack of pancakes w/ the blueberry-strawberry-peach compote... Sylvia will nod in my direction with her usual non-smiling glance of recognition; Carla, the reluctant realtor will invite me to an open house - ("You really must see this place ..") for a home that I could never afford - but to which venue I will acquiesce because of her persistence...
California has become the impossible place to live in with its unsolvable traffic, dire housing costs, drought, earthquakes and homeless populations - but also the destination stuck in my imagination as the place where ONE MUST RETIRE - for psychological reasons...And so, after a life "back East" full of its own challenges and upheavals, I have returned to the golden state - with limited prospects, if only temporarily - on this fateful pilgrimage to find a home once again - but perhaps more importantly to come to grips with my own mortality - like so many others forced by circumstance to do the same - and to let go of that sinister motivation by the name of ENVY which has made itself such an burdensome part of my previous existence. I would consider it a success to begin to see the world with a set of fresh eyes - without the same insecurities that have propelled me to this point... I need only think of those "golden star kids" - fortunate members of my peer group that I placed on a pedestal and quasi-worshipped from afar - with awe (and anger) for all of those years - with their effortless comportment and easy path to success... It was those actual faces and personages that haunted my imagination - even more than the personas of the latest advertising campaign - because it was that elevated and elusive clique that I had measured myself against and judged inadequate in comparison to.. despite feeling like the game had been rigged against me somehow due to a few unavoidable character quirks...
But yes - it is perhaps easier now - when I see how age and mortality have taken their course with everyone - when I see people dying young - before their time (?) - hobbled former athletes with their hip and knee replacements - star lawyers, doctors and architects with their "finished" careers behind them - retirees struggling with estranged children, health care coverage and memory loss - it should be - it has become easier to let go of ENVY - and to see that pain is distributed - seemingly randomly to all - Which leaves the lives of the young - to which generation is bequeath the same aggregate number of life-altering mistakes...
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